Another gorgeous day in LA today. Temperatures are perfect. Suddenly I’m a meteorologist. Cue the canned laughter. I only know that it’s my kind of vibe because I made a short trip to the recycling bin this morning.
Since then I’ve popped a couple of vegan vitamins, skipped my daily warm lemon water routine; opted for a large cup of pomegranate white tea instead and snacked on some peanut butter and celery sticks. Castor and Pollux were at it again. Small sigh in. Slight smile out.
As I lay hear, casted ankle underneath one of my favorite throws, I try not to think as much as I have been lately. No point in determining the weeks. Or adding up the days. When you’re a restless soul confined to four walls that you did not paint, time, nor daily calculations matter.
What does matter is who will emerge after this season passes? Not talking about people per se. Most will remain equally as invisible much like before. I can no longer pour empty compliments into conversations that ceased long ago. I won’t even try. I am talking about me.
A self-proclaimed loner, I had not prepared myself for such a loud silence. The one that comes with an ongoing injury when people attempt to know what you’re going through by cheering even louder from behind their glass. That lasts for about a week. And then it stops. It becomes too much effort to hoist someone above their shoulders who’ve never sat there before. I get it. It took me awhile. But I get it. Now. And forever more.
I don’t matter to most people. Yes, that is what I said. No take backs. When I really take a look at all of my relationships they all hinge upon my being someone else for someone else. Again. People take what they need from you. Hardly giving any thought to what it is that you need from them in return. Thank god it’s tax season.
So with that being said, if I’ve said anything at all, I shall go on. Keep going. Through the not knowing. Through the pain. Emotional and physical. Through the silence. I have no choice. You see on the other side of all of this there is someone I’ve yet to meet. Me.